I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
