i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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