How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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