I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
