If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
