The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
