The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
