why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
