so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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