I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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