woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
