Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize