Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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