Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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