My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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