and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
