Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
