I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i wish my penis had a tongue
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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