is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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