I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
