She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
