I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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