You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
