I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
