Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize