I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
