Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
