I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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