just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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