Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
