Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
