i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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