I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
