Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
