im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
