So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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