I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
