I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
