Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
