She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
