You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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