you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
