got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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