Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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