I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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