I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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