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lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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