Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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