a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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