Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
