ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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