He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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