My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
