I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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