My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
